3 month minimum sublease. no smokers or pets.

Stayed up way too late last night trolling Craigslist in search of a new home. This just in: people are far too picky.  I’m reminded of the time I saw a classified ad looking for a “Mary Poppins type nanny for two great kids.”  I tore it out of the newspaper and kept it in my wallet for months, because it cracked me up every time I saw it.  What a testament to people’s expectations of the world.

Today’s gem comes in the form of a woman looking to sublet a room in her apartment.  The room costs $900, about the going rate for sublets in the neighborhood, although unlike most of the twentysomething households looking for an extra roommate, this place is shared with this woman’s retired father and eight-year-old son.  Since they are a family, she’s looking for someone who: eats most of their meals out, does not expect to have any visitors at any time, and does not own a television or video game device (because she will not have that garbage under the same roof as her son).  Occasional use of a computer is okay, she notes, but a “media junkie” has no place in their home.

I had the urge to respond and ask her why, exactly, this room is vacant.  Did the former occupant throw him/herself onto the third rail of the BART?  Had she tossed them out in the street because a friend dropped by the house?  So strange.

Other listings tend to veer too hard in the other direction.  Many people expect their new roommate to be social and engaging, and become part of the group of pals who already live there.  Wine and movie nights are apparently common household bonding events for the young people of this fair city.  “This is not just a crash pad!” they huff.  “Not looking for a roommate who hides in his room all the time!” 

Funny, that’s exactly what I’m looking for.

I can’t help but feel these people have placed wanted ads for a new best friend.  No, I will not pay a thousand dollars a month to hang out with you.  Aren’t those “city family” roommate relationships supposed to come about a little more naturally?  Why is it so hard to find people whose primary interests are minding their own business and living their own lives? 

Apparently the only offer in that column is my friend up there with the eight-year-old son.  Alas; I am very much a media junkie.