drifting

The fact that I like you so much turns me into a nervous wreck.  I don’t think it’s cute, but we agree to disagree.

There are times I just want the whole world to fade away.  I want to be gripped by that crazy upswing of energy that pins you in one place, holds you down, makes you appreciate every moment and breath.  I want to do that with you. 

I like to think about the people we could be if time and space permitted.  If we met when we were supposed to, if things happened in the right order.  Sometimes I feel like I’m just always a little out of sync, catching you right after other girls have done their damage.  It’s like that broken watch I had once, that I loved too much to stop wearing even after the gears busted.  It was 7:00 all year, every day.  That’s my life with you.

But there are times I see glimmers of something that takes my breath away.  It makes me hope even though I have no business doing it.  I want a mad, crazy love, and on some level I know you want that, too.  We both want it, but we can’t have it with each other.  I used to think about things like that and wonder why people can’t just make each other happy, why it needs to be more complicated than that.  I guess maybe we wouldn’t appreciate it as much.

There’s so much time running through my fingers now.  Months unravel at the slightest touch.  How is it June?  How did I stay here?  Was it really four months ago I was shivering in the snow and planning my escape?  I wouldn’t have made it without these new people in my life, as juvenile as it all might be.  I feel like I’m in high school, but that’s the story of my life — always too mature, too practical, too smart for the games and heartaches going on around me. 

I just want to find someone who still has that innocence, but isn’t naive.  I want to be with someone who can be an equal, who I can respect, but still have fun with.  That’s the dream.

The city is still out there, though.  My bay life and my guitar, the airplanes flying over the skyline and dive bars without cover charges.  Smoking weed and sitting on the patio, watching bad TV and dreaming up band names. 

There’s such a division between those two versions of me, something I can’t ever seem to meld together.  I’ve been a different person since spring and I don’t know why.  I used to have enthusiasm and energy; I became an entirely social person.  Now I’m back in some rut, drinking away lonely nights and questioning myself.  The days seem shorter even though I know it’s the other way around.